Writing Groups and Envy

Working with people who suck

Dear Sonal,

How does one deal with envious people in writing?

I once worked on a group writing project with a group of friends. It was fun for a while and have fond memories of working there, but it began getting clearer that the head of the project had something against me. He treated me friendly but when it came working together he never let my ideas be heard or would be dismissive of my writing.

It slowly started becoming toxic where anytime I would try to bring up an idea or even give feedback to one of his, he would explode. It really made me not want to do group projects anymore because of him.

So how does one overcome that? Is it ok to feel angry about it? How could someone go on and work in other group writing projects without that fear?

Sincerely,
Group Project Nightmare

Dear Group Project Nightmare,

I am very, very sorry this happened to you. This person, let’s call him Angry Dickhole, sounds like a horrible, horrible person to work with and you did not deserve any of that.

I also wonder why no one else in the group spoke up to say “Hey, Angry Dickhole, that is totally uncalled for” although I suspect they did not want to be his next target, the cowards.

This is the reason why I prefer to work alone. Actually, that’s not really true, since left alone I end up doing crosswords on my phone and watching reality TV instead of writing. But I have dealt with a few Angry Dickholes in my life, and unfortunately, they’re not as rare as I’d like.

For a lot of writers, group dynamics isn’t necessarily something they worry too much about in terms of the actual writing, although certainly many of us have been—or wish we were in—writing groups, workshops, classes, etc. where some of these same issues come into play.

Plus, certain forms of writing (film or TV writing, for example) are typically more collaborative, and certainly there are a number of collaborative novels out there. Going on a small tangent because it’s my newsletter and I do that sometimes, perhaps letting go of this idea of entirely writing alone and working on shared writing projects might be a more enjoyable approach for a lot of us… In ideal circumstances, you get to hang out with another writer, bounce ideas off each other, share your obsessions and discoveries with each other, and it all comes with built-in accountability in the form of not letting the other person or people down. (I’m currently working on writing project with a friend, and it’s been very fun.)

But the difficult part of this is that you have to deal with people, and some people can be Angry Dickholes, or other varieties of terrible.

You asked if it’s okay to feel angry about this, and let’s start with the blanket statement that it’s okay to have all the feelings, especially anger. You started out with a fun project with friends, and it became toxic. This is entirely not okay, and I suspect that the others in this group were aware of this dynamic, even though they said nothing. That is also not okay.

The tricky thing with creative groups is that many of us come in with our own individual feelings and insecurities about our work, and while some of us manage those internally (“I must be terrible, let me go and beat myself up for a while”) others manage this externally (“I must be terrible, let me beat up everyone around me so that they feel terrible too.”) Others are simply clueless, or working at a different level than you are, or there’s simply a mismatch of tastes and goals.

There’s no rule you must do group projects, Group Project Nightmare, and if you would prefer to work alone from here on out, that’s entirely fair. But at the same time, if you choose to engage in group work, or if the type of writing you do lends itself better to group projects…. you need to find a group of people where everyone is on the same page creatively, everyone gets to be heard, and everyone respects each other.

And most importantly, everyone is able to deal with any interpersonal group conflicts. That’s a tricky one. Not everyone is good at saying “Hey, do you have a problem with me?” since, in the beginning, we often wonder if we are imagining things—especially when no one else is saying anything. And then the problem grows and it gets harder to say something.

Sometimes it helps to go to someone else in the group and say, “This is how I’ve been feeling about Angry Dickhole—do you see it too?” Knowing it’s not just you, can be invaluable, and makes it easier to know you will be supported if you say something.

I have more often that not been the person who says the thing that everyone is thinking but hasn’t wanted to say, and the end result typically is that once I break the ice, other people will agree with me, and after the fact, everyone else privately thanks me for bringing the topic up because they were thinking the exact same thing but didn’t want to say anything.

A few years ago, I was in a large writing group, and someone turned in a story that was highly ableist, which admittedly is something I’m still figuring out for myself, so I did a ton of double-checking to make sure that I saw what I saw. No one brought it up in critique, which had me doubting myself—was I overreacting? But I brought it up, as evenly and fairly as I could, with examples of how the writing had done things well in the story and where things were potentially problematic, and at first, the writer took things well. But then the discussion began in the group with people adding their agreement to my point, and the writer burst out with “Oh my god, you can’t write anything these days!” and that’s when things got heated.

As the only brown woman in the group of white women, and also the person who instigated the conversation, the whole thing was getting to be too much, and so I went against my normal instincts to stay and argue it out, and noped out of there. Friends told me that then discussion went on for another two hours, trying to explain to this writer what the problem was and why I was upset, which resulted in everyone getting frustrated and tired. And also that almost everyone else had noted the ableism the story, but hadn’t wanted to bring it up because they didn’t want to get into a long, frustrating conversation. (Sorry guys.)

I received an apology from this writer for upsetting me, which I didn’t reply to because while it was a nice gesture, I was still processing a lot of feelings about the whole exhausting situation; being the person who brings up the uncomfortable topic has an emotional cost. Then a few days later, I got another apology from the same writer, which told me that she actually didn’t get it, she thought the issue was that I was unhappy with her and was now trying to make nice and wanted me to acknowledge this so that she could feel better about the situation. So I replied to tell her off, that she didn’t need to apologize to me because this wasn’t about me, but she’d been called out for writing a flat character with potentially harmful stereotypes, and instead of trying to do better, she started whining about it. So do better or fuck off.

Our writing group broke up and reformed, and she came to a few more meetings before bowing out. The dynamics work a lot better now, but it was a lot of uncomfortable conversations getting there.

I will always encourage honesty and bravery because how I’m built as a person doesn’t deal well with leaving things unsaid…. but if you’re not okay with being the person who points out the elephant in room, or if there are other dynamics at play that make it difficult (for example, you need to interact with this person regularly for other reasons), then you need to at least be the person who is willing to walk away from the project.

And if you cannot walk away, you need to understand that Angry Dickhole’s lashing out is less about anything that is wrong with you, and more about things that are wrong with him. This doesn’t make it better, but hopefully it offers some kind of balm against toxicity. Seek support from those around, you, and limit your contact with the Angry Dickhole.

Creative work should be enjoyable, not toxic. So if you do engage in group work again, have an exit plan. Yes, it sucks to walk away from your work, but you know what sucks more? Toxic people shitting all over your work.

Years ago, my first writing teacher told us about a Masters workshop he was a part of that was lead by a really vicious professor, who was propped up by his band of sycophants. One friend of his turned her story in, and the professor ripped it apart, declaring it to be “pure Harlequin” and his merry band of sycophants jumped on the pile, and in the end, that was a talented writer who never wrote again.

I’ve taught more than a few students who were victims of similar Angry Dickholes and every single one of them was a talented writer who had their dreams and confidence smashed by one terrible person.

Don’t stay in creative projects with an Angry Dickhole, even if they are Professor Angry Dickhole.

Trust your instincts and find support around you. And never be afraid to walk away from a bad situation… your voice is worth more than being the whipping post of one terrible person.

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What say you, readers? Have you dealt with Angry Dickholes in the course of your creative work, or other types of terrible people who made you stop creating? What happened? Tell your story, let the catharsis begin.