Non-Writer Friends

Is it okay that I'd rather be writing?

Dear Sonal,

After you became a writer, did you find yourself not enjoying your friends as much from B.W. (Before Writing)?

As I have slowly started to identify myself more and more as a writer first, ahead of my other roles as a wife and a mother, I have felt a disconnect and distance from a B.W. friend group. To be honest, I want to bow out somehow. I would rather not take the ghosting route.

On the other hand, I don’t want to do it in person either. So, I’m thinking a text message to the group chat might be a good middle ground. But, finding the right phrasing and words for this kind of message has been a struggle. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings but I have come to realize the fatigue from rumination and decision-making when someone suggests getting together for lunch every so often has become a distraction that I need to eliminate to better focus on my writing.

Any advice or words of wisdom? I’m very curious if other writers have gone through a similar situation. Would love to know your thoughts.

Can’t wait to read your novel!

Sincerely,
The Friend Struggle is Real

Dear The Friend Struggle Is Real,

May I call you Friend for short? It’s much more pithy. Although it’s not like you can answer me so this is a highly pointless way to start this reply.

Anyway Friend, I hate to pull out one of those sayings that Basic Becky has embroidered on a tea towel, but there is some truth to the notion that people come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. And it could very well be that this group of friends is now out of season for you. You were all put together due to one set of circumstances (school, a workplace, kids, a hobby, etc) and those circumstances have changed. The season has passed.

But I kind of wonder at why this is causing you so much guilt that you are ruminating heavily on it and finding it hard to write, and would rather cut everyone off to end contact than letting things to reach their natural conclusion and slow-fading away. After all, if you’d rather not than see them for an occasional lunch, it should be simple enough to say “Can’t make it this time, have fun without me!” or even “Wish I could, but I’m working on something. Next time.”

And so perhaps, Friend, there is something about your relationship with writing that gets tied up in all this. This desire to explain to all of them that you are a writer now, and you’d rather be writing, so you’re not going to lunch, stop asking.

I don’t have direct experience with this; I came to writing somewhat later in life, but it was also part of a larger set of major life changes for myself including having to make an all-new set of friends as a grown adult. I don’t have many friends that pre-date writing, at least not that I keep in regular touch with. That was the time in my life when I also started therapy, changed careers, got divorced, moved, and essentially relaunched my life. I’m not even sure if I have so much as a t-shirt from before writing.

But I can understand how hard it can be to change dynamics within an existing relationship. You’ve changed, at least in terms of where your priorities lie, and this group of friends is the same, and naturally expects the same out of you. So there is a tension there, but you’re the one feeling it.

So in some ways, Friend, your question is, how do I take writing seriously when I’ve built my life around not taking it seriously? (*Cue Fleetwood Mac* Well I’ve been afraid of changing / ‘cause I’ve built my built my life around you.)

For me, writing moved to the forefront because it fed my soul. It connected me to myself, and for many, many reasons (immigrant parents, societal norms and expectations, patriarchy, crappy childhood, etc) I was very disconnected from who I was for a very long time.

It still took a long time to really put writing first and arguably, I still don’t always put writing first (side-eyeing my kids) but it was that recognition that this is the thing I need to do.

So I have to wonder, how much does your group of friends know about your relationship with writing?

I can see why it may not be something you’d mention to them, particularly not in the early days when you aren’t quite sure about yourself in writing, and perhaps if you did mention it, it was as a fun little hobby. But as you grew more confident in the place writing takes in your life, was that something you talked to them about? If you did, was it something that was well-received? And if you didn’t, have you continued to play along being the same old Friend you’ve always been, and increasingly started to feel like you were acting out a role that wasn’t really true to who you are?

It’s one thing not to mention that you starting dating some rando called Writing, but now that you’re looking at a serious commitment, yeah, it’s a bit weird not to talk about Writing like it’s a normal and regular part of your life. And maybe you have been, but they don’t get that this is a serious relationship. That is frustrating, but it doesn’t change anything about your commitment here.

Friend, part of me kind of wonders if you may be a bit of a people pleaser. And now that you’ve identified something that’s more important to you than that, something that’s more authentic to you, the hiding and pretending and not being authentically you in order to play a certain role is grating on you more and more. So it makes sense that the desire to just cut it all off once and for all seems very, very tempting. And sure, you can do that, but also, there’s a much simpler way.

If they invite you to lunch, say no.

All your life, you’ve said yes to things that weren’t writing, and now you want to say no to them. Just say no.

Okay, I’m sure you have reasons why it’s not as easy as that, and these are valid and true, but also, it is as easy as that. Say no. If someone says, oh come on Friend, it won’t be the same without you, please come? all you have to do is say no.

If the stress of saying no is what is taking up all your mental space, this isn’t so much a writing problem as it is a personal problem that has come to the forefront owing to writing’s importance to you. Look at that, writing is making you grow as a person!

But you can simplify a lot of this. Make a black and white rule for yourself: no lunches until this novel draft is done. No meet-ups in 2026. The friend group gets one lunch out of you quarterly. Whatever works for you. Make the decision once and then stick to it. If you want to extend your rule into the next year or the next writing project, go on ahead.

If the group chat itself is too much for you, put it on mute. If someone reaches out to find out why you haven’t been responding, they have a lot of time on their hands, all you have to do is say, “I’ve been busy writing.” If they ask about your writing, you can talk about it or just tell them it’s too early in the process for you to talk about it. “The Process” is a great mysterious catch-all of reasons for anything.

If you feel like you need to make a big announcement because this is some sort of declaration of being a writer, just tell everyone, hey, I’m writing more seriously now so I’m going to be a lot busier in the future. Wish me luck! It’s the equivalent of telling them that you have a new job, or you’ve taken on some volunteer work, or you’re caring for a sick relative, or any one of the vast number of very ordinary things a person can do that takes up their time.

Now, if this friend group were truly toxic, if they were actively eroding your sense of yourself, of course you should cut them off. Tell them off, ghost them, whatever you what to do is fine but get the hell away from them. You don’t have to decorate your escape with flowers, just go.

But it sounds more like they are nice people that are simply taking up more time and space than you want to give them. Just stop giving it to them. This is less about what you need to tell them so that they leave you alone to write, and more about you being able to tell yourself that it’s okay to take the space to write.

And I get it. It would be so much easier if the people around us would gracefully back away to give us the time and space to write without us having to demand it. (*side-eyeing my kids and my partner*) But unfortunately, this is not how it works. The world is never going to make space for you to write. This is wholly unfair, but the world kind of sucks for many reasons.

There may come a day in the future where you wonder what everyone in this group has been up to, or when you are between writing projects and feel open to hanging out with them again. If you want to get really mercenary about it, one day, you’re going to want these people to populate your book launch and buy your book and rate it on Goodreads for you. It’s okay to have friends who are normies. It’s okay to let them fade into acquaintances. And who knows? Some of them may become your biggest cheerleaders and fans, the ones who proudly tell everyone that they knew author The Friend Struggle Is Real long before she published her first book and talk you up everywhere. Give them the opportunity to decide if they want to step up or step back.

Friend, you’re so worried about not hurting this group’s feelings by saying “No” to a lunch invitation so that you can write that you’ve been hurting your own feelings.

You don’t need to break up with them via group text. You just need to claim your own space in the world. And you will need to claim it over and over again, so start with your Before Writing friends. Start saying no.

---

Writers, I know some of you have always written and so you’ve never had to establish your relationship with it with new people. But I also know, some of you have had to reshape your life with writing in it. Either way, how do you handle friendships that interfere with your writing? Leave a comment below.